Very desperate

CG_SC, South Car

My history is long and detailed so I will try to be brief and to the point. My situation is bad. I have struggled with depression for most of my life. I didn't even realize I had been -- I figured this was just the way things were. Three suicide attempts later, I can see clearly that I have severe depression and anxiety. There isn't one thing that caused it; rather many events that built up and eventually broke me down. I have tried medication and therapy but to no avail. I tried to just get over it, as a family member recommended, but I just can't. I use to be a strong, independent person. I had a job, a relationship and a place of my own. I have tried to go back to school but things just didn't work out. I don't know what it will take. I am currently homeless. I have a blog here( ) that you can read where I log my time being homeless. I may go into detail about everything I've been through there -- I am working on that but slowly as it is very difficult -- but in the mean time, I am begging sincerely for money -- any amount. Luckily I still have a car, but no money for gas. I would use the money for gas and per chance, to get a motel room for a night in order to feel a little more human for a bit. I go to the library when I can to try and find ways of fixing my life. I have applied for student loans. I have an appointment with the local mental health department here but this state simply doesn't have an adequate system set up. I want to be better, I want to feel better. I just don't know how. The only family member that tries to help is my mom, but she too is going through a very difficult time and may lose her house. She has mental illnesses and cannot hold down a job just as I can't. I only have a few friends and they help when they can, but there is only so much anyone can do. I am not without blame, certainly. I regret a lot of things I did and didn't do. I wish I could have done things differently. It is easy to go from something to nothing but nearly impossible to go from nothing to something. I need help. My pride doesn't exist anymore so it isn't hard for me to admit that. I haven't asked random strangers for money...yet. I just lack courage or bravado or whatever. I am trying to hold things together and fight these dark things that fill my mind, but it may be a losing battle. I can understand if no one chooses to help me. I really wouldn't blame you. But I do appreciate you at least giving me the time by reading this. Thank you.