Anything will help

Looking f, South Dak

Hello-- Here's my story. I don't know how to start or where to start but I have never done this and I honestly don't ever do this. I just am stuck and I need help....my name is Dawn and I am 31yrs old. I have 3 children with 3 different fathers, a daughter she is 9yrs old and two boys 6yrs and 3yrs. I currently live with my parents with my 3 year old son. I made bad choices....but I can honestly say if I didn't go through everything I did I wouldn't be the person I am today....STRONG. I got married when I was 21yrs old and I had my daughter when I was 22yrs old, in October of 2005. I was very responsible when it came to finances and saving money. I don't know what happened but everything just started going in a downward spiral in 2006, I got a domestic violence and I moved in with my parents when my daughter was 3 months old and got a divorce. I got into gambling, drinking and going out all the time. Not caring if I spent time with my infant daughter or not....it was all about the bars and parties. My daughter's father started paying child support and I thought I had it made. I was working at a bank in the collections department at that time making good money as well.....again, I thought I had it made. I mean I was living with my parents for free, no bills and a free babysitter. Selfish is what I was, all I cared about was myself and nothing else. I ended up meeting my first son's father at the local bar...go figure. We both were going through divorces at the time, I thought wow what are the odds of this. So after 4 months of know him I moved in with him, my drinking got worse.....I started getting depressed......and that's when I started cutting. I didn't cut all the time, but it was enough. I was put on depression/anxiety meds and it seemed to help when I wasn't drinking.....financially I was lost, the man I was with didn't know how to budget or save and I didn't care about that cause, hey I was getting child support and I was making money. I had my first son in May of 2008, I never drank and really didn't go out when I was pregnant....but I gambled....a lot. After I had my son....I was right back to drinking and going out and not caring again. I moved back in with my parents in 2009 with my daughter and son. I wasn't working at the bank anymore, I quit because I didn't want to work.....I wanted to gamble and drink. I was working part time at a shipping company and part time cleaning evenings at a bank now, making less than what I was... My parents decided to go on a camping trip for a week and wanted to take my daughter as well. I agreed to letting them take her and then I just had to worry about one child and not two. One evening I got done with work early so I called my ex and told him I had to work later than expected and I didn't know what time I would be off. I drove straight to the casino to gamble and drink. On my way back to my parent's house I let my son's father know that I just got off of work and I was tired, so he agreed to keep our son overnight. Broke and drunk driving I all of a sudden started crying asking myself why am I still here? My life sucks, I have two children from two different fathers. No one will ever want to be with me and I will never get to do anything because I will always have to be at home with the children.....I was depressed, not thinking straight and I was done with this life. When I arrived at my parent's home I walked straight to the medicine cabinet and grabbed the nearest bottle...opened, poured and swallowed. After about a minute I realized what I just did. I ran to my car and drove to a family friends home about 4 blocks and told him what I had just done. He asked what I had just taken and how much....I showed him the bottle and I didn't know how much I had taken. Turns out the bottle was my father's blood pressure pills and I had almost taken the whole bottle....yeah stupid. I was rushed to the nearest ER and after everything was all said and done the hospital admitted me to a rehab hospital for the night to keep an eye on me...needless to say I wasn't very happy about that. The next morning I was released and picked up by the family friend and taken home.......I went to work later that afternoon to my part time shipping job. I asked my son's father if I had to pick up our son after work and he said no, didn't think anything of it......until, I got served papers saying that I had lost custody of my son and his father had immediate temporary custody until court. My heart felt like it was being pulled out of my chest by an imaginary force field, I completely lost it.....I was crushed. My baby boy I could only see if his father was present.....supervised. My parent's and daughter finally arrived home from the camping trip and I told my parent's what had happened.....they were upset. I saved up enough money for a lawyer for my custody court date......I lost custody of my son, to sum it up. I continued down the path of no return, destruction.....caring about no one but myself, drinking and of course gambling. My son's father pinned child support on me. I got a huge slap of reality across the face, and now I understand child support and how huge of a struggle it is to try to pay child support, and support everything else. I was over at a friends house one night, my daughter was with my parents. I had way to much to drink and I lost all my money from gambling. I started getting depressed again, but way worse then last time.....I couldn't stop crying about my son that I had lost and I would never get him back, I would have to pay child support and I really wouldn't be able to get anywhere in life now. I called my daughter's father and told him to just take our daughter I would sign over my rights and have his new wife adopt her. I lost everything I had nothing, why was I here.....no point of being here, I told my daughter's father to take care of her. I then texted my mother and brother told them I loved them very much and to make sure my babies were taken care of....needless to say they figured out that I already was going to try to kill myself again. I opened up a bottle of aspirin and downed the whole bottle, then went to the bathroom and started drinking mouthwash...I was just about to grab some kitchen cleaner and start drinking that when there was a knock at the door and it was the police. They asked me a couple of questions and in the end took me to the nearest ER to get looked at. Doctor's were trying to help me...everyone was trying to help me. I wouldn't comply or listen, I wouldn't tell them what I had taken or done. I got so out of control I almost bitt a police officer and a doctor. They had to sedate me to get me to relax..... I was unconscious for 2 days, when I woke up my mother was there....and I looked at her blankly and told her I hated her for calling the police on me, that she should of just let me die.....selfish and so stupid at the time I was. I was still working at the shipping company part time but...I wouldn't be back there for about a week because once I was released from the hospital I was transferred to a rehab center. I progressed very well I thought, and my week was done. I was picked up by my parents and daughter and we drove back home. A couple days later...my daughter's father got granted immediate temporary custody. I hit it rock bottom. A couple months later police showed up at my work with a warrant for my arrest for assaults on the officer, doctor, and nurses I bit or tried to bite. I had court and set up a date on when I had to spend 30 days in jail for my conviction. I started going to counseling sessions for a couple hours a day for my drinking and gambling, it helped a bit.....financially it was hopeless. I went to court for my daughter and lost custody of her as well. One day after my counseling session, I was driving to work and thought to myself I needed to do something bigger to get control of my life. I called my job and let them know I needed to get help and that I was going to enroll myself into an inpatient rehab facility, and that I would no longer be able to work for the company anymore until I got the help I needed. I then drove back to my counselor and told them the exact thing, and they enrolled me into an inpatient facility starting the following day. I was excited and scared being driven to the place I was going to call home for a month.....the whole entire experience being at that facility was something I will never forget, I learned so many things....and I actually did see a little light at the end of the dark dark hole I was wondering around in. I returned to my parent's home and started looking for a job....well, I had a loan on a van I was buying that got reposed because I couldn't afford the payments anymore. So finding a job got a little harder.....I tried to keep positive. No job, no car, lost my children, the lawyer I had I couldn't pay the bill due to no job and I was WAY past due on child support.....I have lost everything in my mind. But I kept chugging along. One night I was on a dating site looking for something to do with someone....and I found someone. He picked me up and took me to work with him. He was a bouncer at a bar. Eh, I was thinking I needed to loosen up for one night have a good time why not. I didn't drink too much, didn't gamble at all......but I stayed at a the guys place, I just met.....I was suppose to be incarcerated in a couple of day, so again I thought......why not. I knew the man I met off a dating site for a week then I went to jail for 30 days. We chatted back and forth on the phone and wrote letters. A couple weeks into my incarceration I had a feeling of concern that I could maybe be pregnant.....I told the man I was with this and he set everything up to where he was going to be at the jail when I got released with my mother and then we would go and get me tested to see if I was or not pregnant.......I was pregnant. OMG! A second chance, I was thinking. Everything is going to work out great this time, I will make sure of it I told myself. I found a job and bought a car. The man I was with got a new job closer to where I lived with my parents and he moved in with us until we had enough money for our own place. Everything seemed to be just moving along smoothly, for once.....it was great! No drinking...well cause I was pregnant, and no gamble none! Bills were getting paid, things for the baby was getting set up. Perfect! I was having another boy, I was so happy! Boy or girl I didn't care, the baby was mine and I would never loose him no matter what! Months go by, I work and then the boyfriend works. He worked nights I worked durning the day. I then started noticing small little glitches in my relationship before my son was born.....but I shoved them off because nothing was going to ruin this good thing I have going on. I had my son in October, my heart wasn't empty anymore I was completely whole again with him in my arms. We brought him home after a couple days because I had a C-section and I took time off of work to heal....perfect. December rolls around.....the boyfriend, clingy and controlling. Hiding things......relationships with other women things. I tried to leave, but there were a couple times where he would stop me physically with my son........I would calm the situation down and it was good again. I knew I had to get out of there. One night I was texting my mother and I told her she had to come get me now because my boyfriend was going to shut off my phone.....we got into an argument about him recently finding out about another son he has with another woman who was 3 at the time in 2011. He shut off my phone I couldn't contact no one...except 911......I called them, police arrived and I explained I wanted to leave and my boyfriend wouldn't allow it with our son, he denied ever saying that and that's when my mother arrived and drove me back to her place. I moved all my things back into my parents house....again....with my infant boy. A couple days later, I got served custody court papers.........I wanted to throw up, why is this happening to me all over again?! I am not drinking, I have a good job, a car and I am not gambling and I am actually being a mother. My ex. knew I couldn't afford a lawyer. Later that day I sat down and had a one on one with the owner of the company about my situation and I needed financial help with affording a lawyer. He didn't even bat an eye, he handed me a check and set up a payment plan through my paychecks. I was so thankful and lucky for having a boss that would help me like that. I met with my lawyer told her everything, and then court......I was shaking the whole time. I couldn't loose my baby, my last baby I would ever have....I got my tubes tide after I had my 2nd son. Flashbacks of my daughter and my son and the outcome of court with them kept going through my mind.........I won custody! The relief was huge.....but little did I know the party wasn't over yet with my ex. My lawyer and family told me numerous times to stay away from my ex. and to not speak with him about anything......I opened up, I let him in again and I let him convince me that he wanted to be a family and he was sorry.......mistake. I came over one night with our son to sit down and talk about what we were going to do about this situation.......and my ex. snapped into a different person, scary...I had no clue who he was.......to sum it up he took our 3month old son, smirked said im sorry it has to be this way and sprinted to the back room with the only lock on the door...closed and locked it. It took me a second to relies what was going on......he was talking to someone on his phone, saying he was scared and she came after me with a knife?! WHAT??!! I dialed 911 and just as someone answered I looked out the window and 5 police cars pulled up, I opened the door still on my phone......I was pulled out of the apartment, phone yanked out of my hands and I was handcuffed and sat down. An officer asked me what had happened so I explained what had taken placed...after about what seemed like forever an officer came out of the apartment, looked at me and told me I was being arrested for attempted aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.... I just started crying, there wasn't a damn thing I could do...my poor son. All I kept thinking about was his wellbeing. I finally calmed down before I arrived at the police station. I got done with getting checked in and put into a cell with a couple more inmates. I got a hold of someone to bond me out and the bailsbond, so basicly all I could do was wait. I was extremely angry and confused from then on. An hour before I got out of jail I was served protection order papers for my son and my ex. I couldn't breathe, think anything.......I cried, so hard. I had been played, deceived. The one person who told me he would never ever take our son away from me or keep him away from me lied. After being served the papers and sitting in the holding cell waiting for my name to be called so I could be released was like a dream, I kept telling myself I would wake up and everything will be alright. My son would be right there next to me. Finally I got released and I couldn't go get my 3 month old baby from a man who manipulated the system to get what he wanted. My hurt turned to rage/anger/revenge. I don't know how I did it but I pulled myself together and asked myself...what am I going to do, what are my next steps and how do I get my son back? Three days after my first custody court date that I won, my ex. pulls this....anyone in their right mind would think it would be pretty odd that someone wins custody then looses their minds and comes after their ex with a knife....that doesn't make any sense. But according to police, the reasoning behind my arrest was because I didn't beat up my ex. he wasn't all clawed up because he my baby....a mother will fight to the death to protect their baby. Yes, I completely agree but when I have a crazy man clenching my crying baby in his arms and if I lunge out and try to grab my child from him I have that chance of seriously injuring my child, im going to take the alternative route and that is to try to defuse the situation first then take the next step. I talked with my lawyer and she explained to me that I now have a criminal matter I have to worry about and she could represent me but that would require another deposit which I didn't have and couldn't afford. My only other option was a public defender. To sum up the public defender and the criminal matter, I was in and out of court rescheduling court due to evedence we were waiting on for a year and a half.....I took a plea bargain from a felony charge assault with a deadly weapon down to a misdomeanor of a tresspassing violation. That whole time I was in and out of court fighting these charges I was allowed to see my son 2 days a week for 2 hour a day at a supervised visitation center, then when my son turned one the center changed the visitations to 1 day a week for 2 hours. I start tearing up everytime I think about how much time I have lost with my son because of something made up just to win. So, after a year and a half I took the pleade and the criminal charge was finally over. My next step was to pursue custody back to me. But unfortunetally I needed another deposit to my lawyer and to get their bill paid off and since I just got convicted for a criminal offence even though it was a misdomeanor, my lawyer explained judges frowned on giving custody back right away. The day I signed the stipulation and agreement form that my ex. and I agreed upon, untill someother options opened up, scared me. The form stated that my ex. got custody of our son and I got visitation exactly like I do right now with my daughter and my first son....1 day a week and everyother weekend. It scared me because I was to my breaking point of no return again I felt it that I was going to fail again, I was going to do something stupid again......but I didn't. The whole 2 years I had been fighting and fighting never giving up on my son, I never once slipped up and I never gave up on myself....thats what kept me going. A month or two passed with nothing else I could do, I didn't know what else I could do. I had 2 lawyer bills I had to pay which were over $10k, plus my monthly child support for my daughter and my first son which were around $600 a month rounded up, and to make matters worse my youngest son's father filed for child support and I soon would have to start paying him as well. I still didn't give up or loose faith. I kept telling myself everyday and I still tell myself this everyday, things happen for a reason. Unfortunetally the day that something happened was my son's birthday and he was turning 2yrs old. There was a knock on the door and the person standing there was my ex's mother, she looked uneasy and upset. She explained to me that we had to get my son out of the environment he is currently in. She explained how she drove over to my exs because he was throwing a birthday party. During the time she was there, something annoyed my ex and he just backhanded our son for no reason.....she asked him why he did that and he said it was because of you! He then took our son and started comforting him?! I didn't know what to say, I was in shock.....I called the non emergency police number and spoke explained what had just occured and someone needs to remove my son from there, she explained the only thing they could do was check on the wellbeing of the child, if there wasn't any type of foul play then there isn't anything that could be done.....Stuck Again..... I spoke with my lawyer the following day and she told me to file a protection order asap with my ex's mothers statement attached to the order. The protection order went through, and there was a 30 day waiting period until the court date. I was fullfilled to finally have my son back with me! The scheduled hearing didn't go as I thought it would and I had to hand over my son back to his father.....I was heartbroken! But again everything happens for a reason...I had nothing else I could present to the judge. 2014, was the end to my two and a half year custody war. I had gotten some information from my ex. husbands wife who had witnessed some things from my youngest son's father. She was willing to testiy on my behalf.....due to the fact that my son was not safe is how she put it. So in April she testified on my behalf and it was a full fledged custody trial all over again that was two full days long. The final day the judge said she needed about a week or less to come up with a decision and would let me and my ex know what it was when she was done. I was working as a house keeper when I got the call from my lawyer 4 days later saying I had won! It was finally over my son was back in my arms once again and I will never EVER loose him again, period! He is so outgoing and spunky and this past year I have had him with me, his father has been loosing interest in our son. The most recent occurance is that my son and his father can see eachother 1 day a week for two and a half hours under supervision at a center because my ex. got caught in a lie with selling and doing drugs with our son. He has been ordered to pay child support $216 a month and he hasn't paid anything. He hasn't seen is son for almost 2 months now and no one knows where he is or how to get a hold of him. My thoughts behind this is, I don't care about the child support because as far as my son is concerned he is loved and that's all he needs. My heart hurts knowing that his father basicly abandoned him, but my son is better off without him. As far as my daughter and my 2nd son and getting custody back with them and why I never pursued as hard as I did with my youngest son...I grew up, I learned from my mistakes. The past experiences and life struggles wouldn't have made me who I am today, I am happy with my outlook on life now....money wise to be completely honest is horrible. Currently I am working through a temp agency. They have gotten me a job right now I have been working with Wells Fargo right now until the job ends in a couple of weeks, then hopefully the agency can find me some other work right away. I am actively looking for a full time job and am hoping one of the jobs that I do get assigned to offers me a full time position. My future goal and I am not sure how long it will take but I am going to get custody of my daughter back as well. She is in a horrible environment with her father and step mother, yes the step mother is the one who testified for me...but that was when she was separated from my daughters father at the time and now they are back together. I see the hurt and confusion in her eyes...her father has been in jail on numourous occassions for domestic assault on his current wife and as of 2/20/2015 today he was arrested for a warrant for attempted assault has-ability. I am completely shut out of my girls life when it comes to activities and school. She isn't getting taken care of the way she should and she is in an environment with constant drinking and constant fighting. As of right now I still owe my lawyer for my last custody battle around $4000. I have to pay that off then put another deposit down of at least $5000 and im sure she will need more if it is dragged out. So far I have spent over $30k or more in just lawyer cost and fees. It is worth it don't get me wrong, but with me, whether I was working a full time job or through this temp agency and attempting to get my lawyer paid off and paying child support every month, I have nothing. I have to work around daycare hours because I don't have a babysitter after hours. If I could I would get a second job as well, but with me only able to see my 6 year old son and 9 year old daughter I can't do that as well. I wouldn't be able to spend time with them because I would be working all the time. I have received my income tax this year and over half of it went to back child support for my daughter and my second son because I was behind due to me either not getting paid enough money to pay child support every month or due to me looking for work. But it is good because now I am caught up, but bad because I was hoping to get my lawyer paid off. The rest of my income tax went to purchasing a 2001 chevy prizm because I was currently carless and needed some type of transportation. I thank you for taking the time to read this and even if I can't get help, hey it's ok I will keep doing what I am doing and live everyday to the fullest. I know I will make it eventually. This story isn't a pity party I am trying to put on myself, it's the biggest chunk of my life that had a turning point to it. I am very proud of this....basicly its my real life hell that I lived in for almost 6 years now. I can honestly say I have learned from my mistakes and am trying to making something of myself, my life! I know everyday is always going to have the goods and the bads. I try to seek out the positives even if there doesn't seem to be any. My children are my motivation to keep fighting for what I want, no matter how hopeless and endless life seems. It will work out for the best in the end whether it takes 6 years or 20 years....If I can get the help with everything, my lawyer and a down payment to her, my credit burrow bills, judgements everything.....$40k and I would be great. I have learned to always have a positive attitude and it will happen, you can't give up. Thank you for taking the time to read this.....very long summary of my past struggles and current struggles. Eventually things will turn out for the better I just know it and I will always have a smile on my face.